Weakness in Strength

Well today was a very interesting day. My son, who got sick yesterday was taken to the doctor's office today. Now granted he's only 9 months, but he had never been sick before this weekend. Karla and I did not know what to expect, how to feel, or what to do. Do we take him to the dr? Do we take him to the hospital? Do we try and feed him? Do we give him medicine? My stomach was in knots. Besides that we all slept very little last night. We went to bed around 9ish woke up around midnight and were in and out of bed until about 4 in the morning. And when i say we, i mean myself, Karla and Emilio. It was no fun at all. I admit, I was a little selfish at times. I hoped a couple of times that Karla would get up and take care of him so that i could get some sleep. I was thinking about work, i was thinking about sleep, i was thinking about how tired i was. And then i started thinking, "am i really that selfish?" Would i rather worry about what i have to do and where i need to go tomorrow? Who is more important myself, or my son? I admit, i get aggravated sometimes when i can't put him back to sleep. I'm a selfish jerk. Then i start to pray to God for patience. Well anyways, last night as i was thinking about these things, i began to think about why i was thinking this way and i began to think about all these situations that i've been in. Situations where i'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be tough. Men don't cry, men don't worry, men don't falter in situations like this right? Men are strong. Perhaps this is my way of being strong? By taking myself out of the situation, by worrying about myself and what i've got to deal with, i can be calm, i can be strong, i can be clear headed. Like every other situation that i've been in, i need to be strong. No emotion, no fear, no worry. Sometimes i feel like i'm not allowed to feel. I'm not allowed to be afraid, i'm not allowed to worry, i'm not allowed to be scared, i'm not allowed to be weak.Now that i think about it, I don't i've ever let myself "be weak." I've never allowed myself to mourn, to be sad, and if i was, i fought so hard to not let it show. I kept it in, and i shoved it down, because men don't cry. Men don't share their feelings. Men don't show their emotions. Well i'm tired of it. I'm tired of being strong, i'm tired of being tough, i'm tired of holding everything back, but i know that if i lose control, if i give in, if i let go, then i can't hold anyone else up. If i can't keep myself together, i can't keep my family together. I have to be strong, not for myself, but for my family. I have to be there for them, because if i can't be there for them, who will?