Success....almost

Old blog but thought it should be published anyways. This was written in september of 2010. Well, its been a while since i've written on here, but it feels pretty good to be back. I've made substantial progress on a couple of my goals as well.

First, lets begin with my weight goal. I have met my original goal of losing 20 lbs. I'm down to about 197 now. Its so weird being under 200 lbs again! And i can definitely see and feel a difference in my body. Its amazing. I'm still going strong too. Hopefully, i'd like to lose another 10 to 20 pounds. But like a friend told me, its not about how much weight you lose, its whether or not you like what you see when you look in the mirror. I'm still not completely happy when i look in the mirror, but i'm definitely seeing a difference and I do like the progress that i've made. So hopefully i can keep up the good work and find a point where i'm happy with my body.

My second goal that i'm so close to is completing teenage mutant ninja turtles on the NES. Well its not really the NES, its an NES emulator, but its exactly the same. I'm on the very last level, inside the technodrome and i'm so excited! Unfortunately, i kinda cheated. I looked at a walkthrough to get past the last level. I didn't sit and read it while i was playing and blatantly follow it, I just looked over it for a reference as to where i needed to go and what i needed to do. So hopefully soon, i can pass that game.

I'm still working on Zelda, but that game is a lot harder, and I haven't started on Super Mario Bros. 3 yet, but i've also added a few more games to my list, including the original metroid. That is an amazing game as well. Wish me luck!

J

Weakness in Strength

Well today was a very interesting day. My son, who got sick yesterday was taken to the doctor's office today. Now granted he's only 9 months, but he had never been sick before this weekend. Karla and I did not know what to expect, how to feel, or what to do. Do we take him to the dr? Do we take him to the hospital? Do we try and feed him? Do we give him medicine? My stomach was in knots. Besides that we all slept very little last night. We went to bed around 9ish woke up around midnight and were in and out of bed until about 4 in the morning. And when i say we, i mean myself, Karla and Emilio. It was no fun at all. I admit, I was a little selfish at times. I hoped a couple of times that Karla would get up and take care of him so that i could get some sleep. I was thinking about work, i was thinking about sleep, i was thinking about how tired i was. And then i started thinking, "am i really that selfish?" Would i rather worry about what i have to do and where i need to go tomorrow? Who is more important myself, or my son? I admit, i get aggravated sometimes when i can't put him back to sleep. I'm a selfish jerk. Then i start to pray to God for patience. Well anyways, last night as i was thinking about these things, i began to think about why i was thinking this way and i began to think about all these situations that i've been in. Situations where i'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be tough. Men don't cry, men don't worry, men don't falter in situations like this right? Men are strong. Perhaps this is my way of being strong? By taking myself out of the situation, by worrying about myself and what i've got to deal with, i can be calm, i can be strong, i can be clear headed. Like every other situation that i've been in, i need to be strong. No emotion, no fear, no worry. Sometimes i feel like i'm not allowed to feel. I'm not allowed to be afraid, i'm not allowed to worry, i'm not allowed to be scared, i'm not allowed to be weak.Now that i think about it, I don't i've ever let myself "be weak." I've never allowed myself to mourn, to be sad, and if i was, i fought so hard to not let it show. I kept it in, and i shoved it down, because men don't cry. Men don't share their feelings. Men don't show their emotions. Well i'm tired of it. I'm tired of being strong, i'm tired of being tough, i'm tired of holding everything back, but i know that if i lose control, if i give in, if i let go, then i can't hold anyone else up. If i can't keep myself together, i can't keep my family together. I have to be strong, not for myself, but for my family. I have to be there for them, because if i can't be there for them, who will?

Master of None

Ever hear the saying "jack of all trades?" Sounds so good doesn't it? A person who is a "jack of all trades" is quite good at almost everything. If nothing else, he is competent in everything he does. I believe I am somewhat of a "jack of all trades." I know computers, history, science, math, technology, carpentry, electronics, grammar, spelling, and i'm just full of random information. I know a little bit about a lot of things. Doesn't sound too bad does it? Well, unfortunately, there is more to this whole "jack of all trades" thing. If you want to really complete the phrase, then it should read "jack of all trades, master of none." That's right, master of none. What does this mean? It means that while i know a little bit of stuff about a whole lot of things, that's it. I know a little bit of stuff. Master of none. I don't know enough to be considered an expert in anything. I am proficient at many things, but do I excel at any of those things? Unfortunately not. Now, some people, they may not know many things, but they know something, and that thing they excel at. Some people know music, and they are amazing musicians. Others know science like there is no tomorrow. Others, videogames, card games, cars, electronics, computers. Me, i'm eh. I can play a few songs on guitar, keep a simple beat on the drums, but I'm no virtuoso, and I'm definitely no song writer. I can find my way around a computer more than some people, but I'm not a hacker, or a programmer, not even close. So what does this all mean? The bible speaks of God given talents, gifts of the spirit, teaching, speaking, performing, greeting, helping, fixing. What is my God given gift? What is my gift of the spirit? I'm too shy/nervous to start up a conversation with strangers, I can barely even greet someone walking by. I'm not good enough at music to be able to perform, I don't know enough to teach, and yet I struggle just to study and read the Word. God knows what my gift is, I'm just hoping he will reveal it to me. I mean the only thing that i know I'm good at right now is learning just enough to be proficient at things, being just good enough to get by, being average. I'm sure God can change this though, and I sincerely hope he does. Until then, Average James

(Not So) Average

Ever since i can remember, I've tried to stand out from the crowd. I've tried not to fit in. I've always been told that i'm special, that i'm different, that i'm not just average. Because i constantly hear these things, I try to live up to them. From the earliest that i can remember, I have done things to try and stand out. I've never been one to fit in, never been one to follow the norm. In elementary school, i bought the most colorful or most outrageous shoes, dressed just a little bit different, acted just a little bit different. When i was in high school, I turned to gothic/punk rock trends, partly because i enjoyed it, but also partly because no one else was doing it. I tried to stand out, I tried to be different, all because i felt that if i wasn't i would get lost in the mix. I didn't want to lose myself, and yet in doing so i never really found myself either. the more I think about it, the more i realize that i was just another average kid, living an average life, nothing special, nothing worth noting, nothing that made me stand out from the crowd except what i did to make myself stand out. Granted, this may be partially true, there are things that had a very drastic effect on my life. There were incidents in my life that completely changed everything that i thought, that i believed. I dont know when, and i don't know why, but between jr. high and high school, i sunk into a depression. I began listening to angry music, i began feeding off the emotions, the anger, the pain, that i had suppressed for so long, even though i never knew that i was suppressing them. As i continued through high school, i began to realize certain things. The average kid that i was, the average kid that i tried to separate myself from, was not as average as i had thought. Unfortunately, the things that separated me from so many others wasn't something to brag about, and at the same time, i realize that i shared this burden with many other people. In some ways, i am not average at all, while in others, i am just as average as other people. What i need to realize from this, is that there are many other people out there that feel how i do. There are many teenagers that feel how i did. Trying to stand out while trying to fit in, trying to be more than just another face in the crowd, while blending in perfectly, is never easy. I know because i was the same way. Because i was the same way, i can relate, i can understand and i can help out. Being just average has its advantages, because it can help me to become more than just average, it can help me to be a light for someone else who is trapped in the darkness that i was trapped in. I can relate. Now what am i going to do about it.....?