Letting Go

Before i begin this, I want you to know this may be a hard read. The reason i'm saying that is because this is hard for me to write. As hard as it is though, i feel like this is the right thing to do. This is what God wants me to share and in turn let go. This is the story of the worst and hardest time of my life, my struggles and my pains.

This took place at the end of 2003 and carried over into 2004. I had just graduated college and moved back home. Fortunately, i found a good job, was making good money, (for a college graduate in the valley) and gaining "valuable" work experience. I was also drinking regularly and partying every weekend with my friends. I admit that i wasn't walking with the Lord at the time, and had in fact pretty much turned my back on God. I figured I was doing fine on my own, and there wasn't much I needed him for. Boy was i wrong.

After 2 months i lost that "awesome" job, and the only source of income that i had. But that didn't stop me from partying. That didn't stop me from drinking, but boy i wish it had. Not a couple of months later, i was my usual happy go lucky self, out with friends drinking, partying and not caring. This, i think, is where the trouble started. One night while out at a house party with friends, I met this guy. He was a cool guy, and very openly gay, but i didn't care. So we kept drinking and partying, and then before i know what's happening this guy has me on the floor of the bathroom. I didn't know what was happening, but i definitely didn't like it. All i'll say is this. He took advantage of me that night, and he did things to me, violated me.

After that night, i didn't care about life anymore. I hated God, i hated myself, and i hated the world. I was ready to end it all. I got into drugs, (though only for a short while), and I drank constantly. Eventually my hate turned to apathy. I stopped caring about anything. I was still at home but never really there. There were so many nights that i wanted to grab the shotgun out of the gun locker in the hall and put it to my head. I wanted to give up. I wanted to run away. I wanted to just go away. I was tired of being a burden, i was tired of letting everyone down, i was tired of hurting.

Something happened, though. On the day that i reached my breaking point, something happened. I was done, my bags were packed, i was leaving, not knowing where i was going, but i was leaving. So i get in my car, turn the key, and nothing. Click, click, click. My car wouldn't start. My battery was dead. By the time i was able to get it working, i had given up all hope of going anywhere. I'd given up hope on everything. And yet somehow, 9 years later, i look back and i realize God never gave up on me. Later that year, still in a haze of numbness, I met my future wife. It was exactly a year after things went to hell for me that they started to turn back around. I had hit rock bottom, and God was pulling me back up without my ever knowing it. Now here i stand, a beautiful wife, 2 amazingly incredible miraculous young boys, and a relationship with the Lord that is stronger than ever.

Now i don't want people to read this and feel sorry for me. I know that i don't feel sorry for myself. At least not anymore. God has worked on my heart and shown me things and helped me to forgive the people that have hurt me. And now, with this, i believe it is time for me to let this go. I give it up to the Lord. It is no longer my pain, no longer my burden to carry. I give it all to God.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

In God's loving peace,

Jaime Whosoever

Hard Truth

After everything that has happened this week, we again realize how short life is, how important loved ones are, how real the threat of terrorism still is and how important God is in all of this. At least that's what i've realized. I've also realized some harder truths.

When i first heard about the bombings in Boston, the first thing i thought was terrorists, i'm sure most people did. The most obvious question was, is this foreign terrorists, i.e. taliban, n. korea, or was this domestic terrorism a la timothy mcvey, unibomber, d.c. sniper? Then while these questions were going through my head, there were reports of poisoned mail to the president and congressmen. And then there was waco fertilizer booms. What kind of crazy world do we live in right? So all these thoughts are going through our heads, terrorists, assassination attempts, crazy! As the news reported people were angry! Then to find out that a child was killed in Boston? Super angry!

As i'm sure everyone else thought, I began thinking and hoping they would find the dude or dudes that did this and kill them. You know make them pay. Then as the anger slowly begins to subside the feelings turn to who was he working with. Now its, don't kill him, keep him alive and find out who he's working for. At the same time, in my head i was thinking, death is too easy for this guy. Make him suffer. Make him pay for all the people injured, the one's who lost limbs, the ones whose lives were taken so quickly. Of course he's going to want to die, so that way he can't talk, but that's the cowards way out right? Blow people up, make them suffer then end your life before anything else can happen to you, and in your country or culture or beliefs, you're either a hero or a martyr. I'll admit that made me angry.

But now I've come to face some hard truths. I know whoever is reading this may become very angry with what i'm about to say, but hear me out. Just listen to what i have to say, please. I feel sorry for these guys, for many reasons. And i want to say that i forgive them for what they did. I know not everyone will be able to but, i'm not asking everyone too. Again, just hear me out. We don't know how these boys were raised, what their lives were like, what kind of culture they lived in. I don't know what they believed in their hearts. I don't know why they chose to kill people.

I do know this though. My God still loves them. My God still forgives them. My God's heart is broken not just because of all the lives lost in the bombing, but for them as well. And if they die without knowing my Lord they are going to spend eternity in hell. I know most will say they deserve it, but guess what so do i. I may have never killed anyone, and i never hope to either, but i'm still a sinner. And without God's grace, i'd be right next to them in hell. But my God doesn't want that for anyone. My God's desire is that none would perish, but all would come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9). Even these two guys. And I have the same desire. It breaks my heart to know that not everyone will be in heaven one day. Now i'm not saying they shouldn't be punished for what they did, because they absolutely should, but I don't believe that punishment should be an eternity apart from God. Though i think we all deserve this, I'm thankful for a great graceful loving and forgiving God, who gives us the choice to be with Him. In the end, I will pray for these men and their family just as much as i pray for the victims of these tragedies, because i love my God and that is what he has asked me to do.

Matthew 5:43-48 43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

In God's Love,

Jaime Whosoever

Insignificant...or am I?

Interesting day today. As i read my bible during my lunch break i hit a few verses that really made me think. Now before i get into that, have you ever thought about yourself in comparison to the earth? I mean really stop and think about it. You are a single person mostly in a town of thousands, some of you a few million even. Now on top of that, you are also in a country of a few hundred million. That same country is a couple thousand miles wide. And that country is part of a world that is made of approximately 70 percent water. We are rather small in this world aren't we? Just a speck on a giant floating mass. Now that giant floating mass is orbiting an even bigger mass in a galaxy made up of thousands of solar systems. And that galaxy is part of a Universe made up of an endless number of galaxies, black holes, stars, and stuff we have never even heard of. Compared to all of that we are not even a speck of dust!

Now imagine that same universe. That same universe is either several thousand years old or several billions of years old depending on who you ask. Regardless, its really old, and it has a beginning. Most of us have been on it for 30 years give or take a few. Again we are not even a blink in the eye of time. And chances are almost none of us will ever be remembered in the history books aside from birth and death records.

Now after all that, the never ending universe and the beginning of time, there is a God that created that universe. There is a God that was there before there was time. He created the universe and everything in it. He put all the stars in their place. He created our solar system, our earth and every living thing on it. He was there when time began, and He will be there when our time ends and He is bigger than all of that.

Now that right there completely boggles my mind. I try to comprehend his infinite being and my brain fries. I try to imagine a time before time and my brain turns to mush. I cannot grasp this concept of infinity. Now trying to imagine a God that is greater than all of that? I may as well be a vegetable my brain is so far gone.

The thing that absolutely blows my mind after all of that, though, is that though God is that great and that grand and that big, and i am so minute, and so insignificant that i may as well not exist, He loves me!!! He knows me! According to His word, He has known me since before the beginning of time. He doesn't just know about me either. He thinks about me, constantly! He knows me so well, He knows the number of hairs on my head! He knows my thoughts, He knows my heart, He knows everything i've ever done and He knows everything i will ever do, good and bad, and He still loves me! After all that, he still sent His son to die for me! It's truly amazing. He knows all of us this way! Mind boggling!!!! Wow!!! So am i so insignificant? Not in God's eyes.

Psalm 8:3-5 When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained, What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him? For You have made him a little lower than the angels, And You have crowned him with glory and honor.

In Love,

Jaime Whosoever

So much to say

Wow. Thats all i can say for now. It's been almost 2 months since the last time i posted on here, but i'm back and what a day to be back indeed. If you've seen the news at all, and even if you haven't, i'm sure that you've heard about the bombings in boston. Such a terrible thing to happen. So sad to lose even the 2 lifes, especially the child. I'm still in shock about something like that happening. At the same time, i think about a statistic i saw today on twitter. 3 bombings in Boston, 18(!) in baghdad. Now i am in no way trying to diminish the tragedy that happened here today, but i know that in other parts of the world things like this happen on a regular basis. It is no less tragic but, still imagine living in a country where every day that you step outside you risk being killed by an explosion.

On top of that, i've seen some crazy posts on facebook and twitter about all this. Most of it being prayers, but a couple posts calling people out. One man, mattie montgomery calls on the people of this nation. He finds it so amazing that the same people that blast and belittle and doubt and deny God during any other normal day suddenly cry out for prayers in this time of tragedy. I know this may have irked many people, but I know he did not mean to offend. I agree with him and what he said, and i applaud him for having the courage to say it.

It is true how so many people ignore God when everything is hunky dory but the moment something bad happens they call on God for help. The sad thing is that many of the people choose to call themselves christians. What we need to remember though, is that God is not here to cater to us. He's not here to make our lives easier, He is there for us to serve Him! We are to pray to Him, to worship Him, to trust Him, to cry out to Him and to serve Him in everything we do.

This is something that i found out again for the umpteenth time. I again was knocked on my rear by trying to do things on my own. I sinned against God by believing i could get by on my own, by trusting in myself, and only turning to Him when i felt necessary. The worst part is, He called me to serve, and believing i knew what to do, i ignored his instruction, i put my trust in myself, and i was overtaken by the enemy. I was dragged down, beaten, tempted, and made to doubt and sin. I know that God let this happen to me, and i definitely learned my lesson....again. Now hopefully i can put all my trust in Him, turn to Him first, and quit relying on myself.

I am a child of God, and I serve Him, in good times and in bad. I call to the Lord, knowing that as long as i turn to Him, i can never go wrong. So again, i devote my heart and my life to the Lord, to do His will, and grow in Him.

Forever his servant,

Jaime Whosoever

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that Whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.