Letting Go pt 2

So this is going to be a hard write this time around. It's been a long time coming, and i know this is going to be a hard thing to write for me. But i feel that God has finally given me the courage to talk about this and to finally put it out there, and truly let it go. AS you can see, this one is titled Letting Go pt. 2, and if you've read the original Letting Go, then you should kinda know what this is already about. For anyone who hasn't read it, here's a quick summary: back in 2003, when i was 21, i was at a party, where i had too much to drink, and i was taken advantage of. That's pretty much the jist of it, though there is more to the story.

Anyways back to part 2. This one takes place a lot earlier. While, no reason to hold back now. When i was little-ish, i believe between the ages of 9 and 11, i was taken advantage of, and molested. This time though, it wasn't by a stranger. It was by someone that i trusted and cared about. For 2 years they did things, and i won't go into detail, but i'm sure you get the idea. It took me a long time to accept what happened, to call it what it really was, and it took me even longer for me to even try to deal with it.

For years i pushed it down, i stuffed it down, i buried the memories. I was afraid to talk about it. Afraid of what people might think. I used to think it was my fault, that i could have stopped it, i could have done something. I was ashamed. Little by little, i shared with a couple of friends, friends that i trusted. They tried to help, but they couldn't. I would just fight back, fight to suppress the memories. I could feel the anger, the pain, the shame bubbling up in me constantly, dying to get out. And yet i would push it back down. I would stuff it down, i would hold it in, until i would reach a breaking point and just fall apart. The walls would crumble down, and i would just break down with them. But just as quickly i would build them back up even higher.

For years, i dealt like this. I was numb, and yet i was in so much pain at the same time. I honestly believe this had a large part in driving me to the darkness. I would cut myself, sometimes just to feel the pain. I would not allow myself to be happy. I would push people that i cared about away. I would act out to get attention, and then withdraw back into my space. I contemplated suicide many times, but fortunately, i never completed the task. I drank, a lot, partly blaming it on "the college life" and even began doing drugs, and not just weed either.

As i got older, my numbness grew. I stopped caring. I didn't care about anything, except consuming alcohol. I would drink to puking, drink some more, pass out, and do it all over again. Even weekend i was gone, wasted, passed out on someone's couch or floor, and eventually on the floor of someone's bathroom, which led to more trouble and pain.

And yet somehow, i made it through. The week before i met my wife, i was at a friend's funeral, and for me that was rock bottom. I was done. I was angry at God, i was angry at the world. I was ready to end it all. I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. But i held on. And then i met my wife. I was completely tanked, and i completely lost it front of her, (wouldn't be the last time either), but she stood by me. Little by little, God pulled me out of the darkness. Little by little He took my pain. Little by little, He showed me life again, through my wife. He showed me what love could be. Through my wife, God gave me hope again.

It's been a long hard struggle, but God has pulled me out of the darkness that i was in. He gave me hope, He gave me a beautiful wife, and He has given me 2 amazing boys. After all i've done God has forgiven me, and blessed me. He has shown me what love is, and He has shown me what forgiveness is. This is why i sit here writing this today. God has forgiven me, and because He has, I've been able to forgive the person that hurt me so long ago. God has given me a peace that i never thought i could have, and for which i will be truly and eternally grateful.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I had to get it out.

in Love,

Jaime Whosoever

2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all.

1 YEAR LATER

So it is now 2014. It has been a crazy wonderful wacky bad painful insane year. But we survived. As you can see from the photo above, so have my dreads, despite countless people telling me to cut them or or threatening that they were going to cut them off for me. But i kept them because i know what they mean, even if no one else wants to listen.

At the same time, while my year has been up and down, i've managed to hold on to my faith and hold on to God. Or more importantly God has managed to hold on to me. I've stumbled, i've fallen, i've drifted, i've doubted, but i've also been in fellowship, been in prayer, been in the word, sought guidance, prayers, blessings and help.

My plan to read through the bible last year kinda fell through, but i still learned a lot. A read through the first five books of the Old Testament and was strengthened in my faith, as well as getting a better understanding of the Abrahamic covenant and the old law. I also stepped out in faith and began teaching at my church's men's study. God truly blessed me in that endeavor, and now i'm thinking about beginning a home fellowship. God knows how and where he wants to use me, and hopefully i can see it too.

On top of all that, I'm seeing that it is getting harder to be a christian. Because of the things that i believe, i'm a bigot, a homophobe, and many other things. But I just need to remember that God told us that this was going to happen, and we still have it easy. Christians are being persecuted in the Middle East and Egypt for their faith, Pastor Saeed Abedini (http://beheardproject.com/saeed) is in prison in Iran for his faith, and it will only get worse. I just hope that if the time ever comes for me to stand up for my faith even in the face of death, I would have the courage to do it. Fortunately, i know that God is my strength and i have nothing on this earth to fear.

I guess what i'm trying to say is, as 2013 has ended and 2014 has begun, I've grown, along with my family. Now we just need to continue to grow, continue to stay in prayer, fellowship and the Word, and allow God to guide us where he wants us to be, while continuing to serve Him and Love others as He loves us. Till next time,

In God's Love

Jaime Whosoever

Galatians 6:9 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.