Letting Go pt 2

So this is going to be a hard write this time around. It's been a long time coming, and i know this is going to be a hard thing to write for me. But i feel that God has finally given me the courage to talk about this and to finally put it out there, and truly let it go. AS you can see, this one is titled Letting Go pt. 2, and if you've read the original Letting Go, then you should kinda know what this is already about. For anyone who hasn't read it, here's a quick summary: back in 2003, when i was 21, i was at a party, where i had too much to drink, and i was taken advantage of. That's pretty much the jist of it, though there is more to the story.

Anyways back to part 2. This one takes place a lot earlier. While, no reason to hold back now. When i was little-ish, i believe between the ages of 9 and 11, i was taken advantage of, and molested. This time though, it wasn't by a stranger. It was by someone that i trusted and cared about. For 2 years they did things, and i won't go into detail, but i'm sure you get the idea. It took me a long time to accept what happened, to call it what it really was, and it took me even longer for me to even try to deal with it.

For years i pushed it down, i stuffed it down, i buried the memories. I was afraid to talk about it. Afraid of what people might think. I used to think it was my fault, that i could have stopped it, i could have done something. I was ashamed. Little by little, i shared with a couple of friends, friends that i trusted. They tried to help, but they couldn't. I would just fight back, fight to suppress the memories. I could feel the anger, the pain, the shame bubbling up in me constantly, dying to get out. And yet i would push it back down. I would stuff it down, i would hold it in, until i would reach a breaking point and just fall apart. The walls would crumble down, and i would just break down with them. But just as quickly i would build them back up even higher.

For years, i dealt like this. I was numb, and yet i was in so much pain at the same time. I honestly believe this had a large part in driving me to the darkness. I would cut myself, sometimes just to feel the pain. I would not allow myself to be happy. I would push people that i cared about away. I would act out to get attention, and then withdraw back into my space. I contemplated suicide many times, but fortunately, i never completed the task. I drank, a lot, partly blaming it on "the college life" and even began doing drugs, and not just weed either.

As i got older, my numbness grew. I stopped caring. I didn't care about anything, except consuming alcohol. I would drink to puking, drink some more, pass out, and do it all over again. Even weekend i was gone, wasted, passed out on someone's couch or floor, and eventually on the floor of someone's bathroom, which led to more trouble and pain.

And yet somehow, i made it through. The week before i met my wife, i was at a friend's funeral, and for me that was rock bottom. I was done. I was angry at God, i was angry at the world. I was ready to end it all. I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. But i held on. And then i met my wife. I was completely tanked, and i completely lost it front of her, (wouldn't be the last time either), but she stood by me. Little by little, God pulled me out of the darkness. Little by little He took my pain. Little by little, He showed me life again, through my wife. He showed me what love could be. Through my wife, God gave me hope again.

It's been a long hard struggle, but God has pulled me out of the darkness that i was in. He gave me hope, He gave me a beautiful wife, and He has given me 2 amazing boys. After all i've done God has forgiven me, and blessed me. He has shown me what love is, and He has shown me what forgiveness is. This is why i sit here writing this today. God has forgiven me, and because He has, I've been able to forgive the person that hurt me so long ago. God has given me a peace that i never thought i could have, and for which i will be truly and eternally grateful.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I had to get it out.

in Love,

Jaime Whosoever

2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all.

1 YEAR LATER

So it is now 2014. It has been a crazy wonderful wacky bad painful insane year. But we survived. As you can see from the photo above, so have my dreads, despite countless people telling me to cut them or or threatening that they were going to cut them off for me. But i kept them because i know what they mean, even if no one else wants to listen.

At the same time, while my year has been up and down, i've managed to hold on to my faith and hold on to God. Or more importantly God has managed to hold on to me. I've stumbled, i've fallen, i've drifted, i've doubted, but i've also been in fellowship, been in prayer, been in the word, sought guidance, prayers, blessings and help.

My plan to read through the bible last year kinda fell through, but i still learned a lot. A read through the first five books of the Old Testament and was strengthened in my faith, as well as getting a better understanding of the Abrahamic covenant and the old law. I also stepped out in faith and began teaching at my church's men's study. God truly blessed me in that endeavor, and now i'm thinking about beginning a home fellowship. God knows how and where he wants to use me, and hopefully i can see it too.

On top of all that, I'm seeing that it is getting harder to be a christian. Because of the things that i believe, i'm a bigot, a homophobe, and many other things. But I just need to remember that God told us that this was going to happen, and we still have it easy. Christians are being persecuted in the Middle East and Egypt for their faith, Pastor Saeed Abedini (http://beheardproject.com/saeed) is in prison in Iran for his faith, and it will only get worse. I just hope that if the time ever comes for me to stand up for my faith even in the face of death, I would have the courage to do it. Fortunately, i know that God is my strength and i have nothing on this earth to fear.

I guess what i'm trying to say is, as 2013 has ended and 2014 has begun, I've grown, along with my family. Now we just need to continue to grow, continue to stay in prayer, fellowship and the Word, and allow God to guide us where he wants us to be, while continuing to serve Him and Love others as He loves us. Till next time,

In God's Love

Jaime Whosoever

Galatians 6:9 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.

What do you see?

Met this man at lunch today. His name is Jim. i know this because i spoke to him. He told me that back in 05 he was making more than enough to live. By 2010 he was outta business. Now ignore the sign fr a second. Look at the man behind the sign. A man down on his luck jus trying to get by.

Fr me personally this was a very humbling experience. It was a reminder of how blessed i am and how lucky i am to have all that i have, but it also reminded me that it could all be gone in a second. Its a reminder to not get caught up in the materialism that this world pushes down our throats but to those of us that are blessed let us b a blessing to others. For those of us that have plenty let us be willing to share with those that have little or none. I pray jim gets back on his feet and ill b more than happy to offer any help i can.

God Bless in Christ

Jaime Whosoever

Matthew 25:34-40 (NKJV)

"Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’ “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’"

For Shame

So i'm back, and i guess God knows what He's doing. It's funny. I had a post all written up, almost completed and was going to finish it. At the same time though, i could feel that God was calling me to write this post as well. I had a couple of drafts already started to come back to the blog, one almost done and one blank. So i was going to try and delete the blank post, and i deleted the other one by "accident." The reason i say "accident" is because i'm not really sure it was one. I'm pretty sure that this is what God intended all along.

Anyways, as you can see this post is called For Shame. This is going to be another hard topic for me to write about, and for some of you, it may be pretty hard to read, but this is what God has put on my heart.

So no beating around the bush, this post is about pornography and my struggle with it. If you were to ask any man, i would say that 99.9% of them would openly admit to watching porn. Of the other .1%, i would say that probably half of them are lying and the other half are not. For most men, married or not, there is nothing wrong with this. There is no shame, there is no guilt. It's just something that they do.

For me, as a Christian, it is a sin. For me, it is something that i do not want to do. For me it is a struggle, a fight, a battle that has been fought for years. Unfortunately, for me it is also a battle that i lose....a lot. Temptation is always out there for men. From pictures to movies to books to magazines to jokes with friends. All of these things can trigger sexual thoughts that lead to searching out pornography. And once those thoughts are there, they are almost impossible to get rid of.

That is why i am writing post. Because I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of the battle. I've prayed, i've confessed, i've read my bible, i've prayed some more and yet still i stumble. I've read books, i've done research, i've talked to pastors and friends and yet i still struggle. So i am opening up and crying out to God that I can't do this on my own. And i am asking for your prayers of support and understanding as i deal with this.

I'm tired of hurting my family and my God. I'm tired of hiding my shame, i'm tired of the guilt. So i give myself over to God and i give this struggle over to God because i know that only with Him and through Him i can overcome this.

Matthew 5:27-28 27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

In Love

Jaime Whosoever

Doing Good

You know, today i read something in my email, and it really got me thinking. The scripture was Matthew 4:23, "And He (Jesus) healed every kind of illness", and afterwards was a question. "Do you focus on doing good for people?" This question really got me thinking. I've read the gospels many times, and every time i've seen Jesus heal the sick and lame and demon possessed. I've always seen the miracles in his healing, and i've always seen his willingness and desire to heal, but i always missed the good deed itself. Or maybe i saw it, but never thought about it as a good deed. I guess i always tended to focus on the miracle and the results of the miracle and bypass the fact that, hey that's a nice thing to do, that's a good deed.

I remember a time i was living in San Diego, (how i loved it there), and i was out to lunch with a group of friends after church one day. We were waiting patiently to be seated, and i just happened to be by the door. Now it being lunchtime on a sunday, the restaurant was rather busy. People were constantly going in and out. Since i was standing by the door, every time someone would walk towards the door, i would quietly and politely open it so they could walk through. Now several people walked through, most of them not even giving me a glance, and maybe one said thank you.

A short time later, a friend of mine asked why i kept holding the door open. She told me she used to do that for people, but she never got a thank you, a smile, or even an acknowledgement. People would walk on by completely ignoring her gesture, so she quit doing it, she said. I responded by telling her, "I don't hold the door for people to get a thank you. I hold the door open because its the polite thing to do." Now i know it's not healing someone who is sick, but i'm pretty sure this still counts as a good deed right? I mean if nothing else, i'm sure it's something Jesus would have done.

And now i find myself desiring that attitude, that spirit, that heart again. You know, to buy somebody a coffee, or a meal, or just hold a door for them. You know, maybe pull through a drive thru and pay for the person behind me as well, or pay for 2 drinks and let the cashier know i just bought the next person's beverage. Too many times, i find myself wishing people a nice day, or a good day, but i don't do anything to make their day any better, nor do i show any sincere interest in what they are going through. This has to change. We are called to serve. We are called to love, and it's a lot easier to show God's love through our actions, it's a lot easier to show that we care through our actions. So let our actions show God's love first, and let our words come second.

Galatians 6:9-10 - 9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. 10 So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

In God's everlasting Love,

Jaime Whosoever