(Not So) Average

Ever since i can remember, I've tried to stand out from the crowd. I've tried not to fit in. I've always been told that i'm special, that i'm different, that i'm not just average. Because i constantly hear these things, I try to live up to them. From the earliest that i can remember, I have done things to try and stand out. I've never been one to fit in, never been one to follow the norm. In elementary school, i bought the most colorful or most outrageous shoes, dressed just a little bit different, acted just a little bit different. When i was in high school, I turned to gothic/punk rock trends, partly because i enjoyed it, but also partly because no one else was doing it. I tried to stand out, I tried to be different, all because i felt that if i wasn't i would get lost in the mix. I didn't want to lose myself, and yet in doing so i never really found myself either. the more I think about it, the more i realize that i was just another average kid, living an average life, nothing special, nothing worth noting, nothing that made me stand out from the crowd except what i did to make myself stand out. Granted, this may be partially true, there are things that had a very drastic effect on my life. There were incidents in my life that completely changed everything that i thought, that i believed. I dont know when, and i don't know why, but between jr. high and high school, i sunk into a depression. I began listening to angry music, i began feeding off the emotions, the anger, the pain, that i had suppressed for so long, even though i never knew that i was suppressing them. As i continued through high school, i began to realize certain things. The average kid that i was, the average kid that i tried to separate myself from, was not as average as i had thought. Unfortunately, the things that separated me from so many others wasn't something to brag about, and at the same time, i realize that i shared this burden with many other people. In some ways, i am not average at all, while in others, i am just as average as other people. What i need to realize from this, is that there are many other people out there that feel how i do. There are many teenagers that feel how i did. Trying to stand out while trying to fit in, trying to be more than just another face in the crowd, while blending in perfectly, is never easy. I know because i was the same way. Because i was the same way, i can relate, i can understand and i can help out. Being just average has its advantages, because it can help me to become more than just average, it can help me to be a light for someone else who is trapped in the darkness that i was trapped in. I can relate. Now what am i going to do about it.....?