The Honest Truth

Okay, so today is going to be a little bit different. Its February 22nd. Approximately 7 and a half weeks have passed since i started this blog, and you know what? Not much has changed. Aside from the naps growing out of my head, everything is the same.

I want to say things have changed but they haven't. I don't read my bible. i hardly ever pray. I haven't been to church since last August. And yet i put up this front about how I'm a good christian, and i'm getting better and things are so much better. Honestly, i feel like the fakest christian out there. I'm putting up fronts to make people think i'm all hardcore, when in reality, i'm just a punk.

Okay, now that that angry rant is out, i've got some confessions to make. I've got issues. Today i let my anger get the best of me, over something completely stupid and superficial. I did everything that Jesus would have warned me not to do, all for something stupid. Everything that happened, i deserved, i brought upon myself, and i had no reason to react the way that i did.

On top of that, i'm still the same lazy selfish person that i've been trying to change. So what do i do? How do i change? Sometimes, i feel like saying screw it and quit trying to change. Fortunately, i've got enough brains not to do that. I know that as long as i trust in God, He can change me. The question i need to figure out now is how do i let go?

Simply put, i've got a lot of issues. I've got a lot of things i need to change. I know i'll never be a perfect father, i know i'll never be a perfect husband, shoot i'll never even come close. I'm okay with that though. I don't want to be perfect, i just want to be the man, the father, the husband that God knows i can be.

I'm tired of being fake.

J

Ready to Serve

Wow, how long has it been since i've been on here? Can't have been more than a couple of weeks right? Feels like forever. Well today might just be a bunch of random rants because i've got so many things on my mind, from the news and from the other news, and from whats on my heart. I just pray that the Lord guides my words and my fingers as i type this all out.

You know, i've made a lot of mistakes. Nothing surprising there, as i'm not perfect, obviously. The thing of it is, i've learned that my mistakes don't just affect me, but those around me. The ones that i love can sometimes be hurt just as much, if not more than i've hurt myself. The important thing obviously is that i learn from my mistakes, confess, and ask for forgiveness. Now i know that not everyone is going to forgive me all the time, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that i attempt to make peace and knowing that the Lord my God is faithful to forgive me. As for anyone that i may have hurt, knowingly or not, i apologize and i hope you can forgive me.

Now for the other things. Like i said, i've made my mistakes, but i've asked the Lord for forgivenss. But i've done more than just asked for forgiveness. I've chosen to repent. I've chosen to submit myself fully to the Lord, and live my life for Him, serving Him in all i do. No more trying, no more struggling, but hopefully 100 percent submission. You see, we can try all we want, but we can never, NEVER succeed on our own. Fortunately, we don't have to try. The Lord is my strength. The Lord is my life, the Lord is everything that i could never do, that i could never be on my own.

Now i'm not saying i'm going to be rich famous and always happy. No, but i will be content. I will have everlasting joy. As long as i continue to do the Lord's will he will give me peace, peace of mind, peace of soul. The important thing is to keep my focus on God, and stay in his will. Now the question is, what is the Lord's will for my life? Obviously, aside from serving Him, my priority is serving my family, taking care of them and raising them up in the Lord. But I know the Lord also has something else that he wants me to do. I can feel it, deep down, i can feel the desire to serve the Lord, i just don't quite know how or where yet.

I guess all i can do right now is pray and be patient. I will continue to pray and take care of my family, and i will continue to serve the Lord in all the things that i do. And i will wait patiently, remainiing continually in prayer until the Lord reveals his will for me. And regardless of how crazy it may seem, how scary it may sound, i am willing and ready to step out in faith knowing that the Lord is with me, that I am doing His will. Now all of you that are reading this, i would ask that you pray for me. Knowing that i am stepping out in faith, knowing that i am ready and willing to serve the Lord, i know the enemy will try to stop me every chance he gets. He will throw temptations in my face, distractions, problems, troubles, chaos. Pray that i would stay strong and not stray from the path the Lord has set before me. So here's to stepping out in faith, whenever and wherever the Lord calls.

In faith,

Average James

1 month later

So its been a month since i started my dreads, as well as starting up this blog again (after several failed attempts.) So as you can see my hair, compared to a month ago, looks pretty freaking nappy. But i have to admit that as bad as it looks, its getting there. It may not look it in the picture but its starting to dread.

I've finally managed to let it go to do its thing. That was one of the hardest parts. Ignoring it, leaving it alone, trying to rush it along. None of it worked in making it dread any faster, and in some cases, i think it may have made parts of it worse. But its slow and steady to win the race.

You know this reminds me of my walk with the Lord as well. I've been trying to change, trying to be a better man, a better husband, a better father. I've discovered that the harder i tried in the beginning the worse things got. The more i tried to change, the more i stayed the same. Now with that said, i haven't given up, at least not in the obvious sense. No, what i've done is given it over to God. I've realized i'll never be able to change on my own.

I'll never be able to be a "good" person. I'll never be able to be the man that i want to be. So in a sense i've given up. I've given myself over to God, and what i've found out is that the less i try, the more i change. The less i try, with try being the key word. We can try all we want, but we will never succeed. But with God all things are impossible. Jesus clearly says so in the gospels. Now i'm not saying don't do anything. I'm not saying to give up and expect God to do everything for you. But quit trying to change. Instead, read the bible, pray, and be open to the Lord working on your heart and mind.

Speaking of reading the bible and praying, I'll have to admit, i haven't been as adamant as i would have hoped. I try to pray regularly, in fact it try to remain in constant prayer, but the bible reading has not really started up the way i had planned. I admit i've dropped the ball on that part. But hopefully soon, i can post differently. I just pray for the Lord to keep changing my heart and mind, and that He would give me the desire, the want to read the bible, to study His word and to learn it. The Lord says that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we could move mountains. Well i want that kind of faith. Lets see how it turns out.

In constant prayer,

Average James