Letting Go

Before i begin this, I want you to know this may be a hard read. The reason i'm saying that is because this is hard for me to write. As hard as it is though, i feel like this is the right thing to do. This is what God wants me to share and in turn let go. This is the story of the worst and hardest time of my life, my struggles and my pains.

This took place at the end of 2003 and carried over into 2004. I had just graduated college and moved back home. Fortunately, i found a good job, was making good money, (for a college graduate in the valley) and gaining "valuable" work experience. I was also drinking regularly and partying every weekend with my friends. I admit that i wasn't walking with the Lord at the time, and had in fact pretty much turned my back on God. I figured I was doing fine on my own, and there wasn't much I needed him for. Boy was i wrong.

After 2 months i lost that "awesome" job, and the only source of income that i had. But that didn't stop me from partying. That didn't stop me from drinking, but boy i wish it had. Not a couple of months later, i was my usual happy go lucky self, out with friends drinking, partying and not caring. This, i think, is where the trouble started. One night while out at a house party with friends, I met this guy. He was a cool guy, and very openly gay, but i didn't care. So we kept drinking and partying, and then before i know what's happening this guy has me on the floor of the bathroom. I didn't know what was happening, but i definitely didn't like it. All i'll say is this. He took advantage of me that night, and he did things to me, violated me.

After that night, i didn't care about life anymore. I hated God, i hated myself, and i hated the world. I was ready to end it all. I got into drugs, (though only for a short while), and I drank constantly. Eventually my hate turned to apathy. I stopped caring about anything. I was still at home but never really there. There were so many nights that i wanted to grab the shotgun out of the gun locker in the hall and put it to my head. I wanted to give up. I wanted to run away. I wanted to just go away. I was tired of being a burden, i was tired of letting everyone down, i was tired of hurting.

Something happened, though. On the day that i reached my breaking point, something happened. I was done, my bags were packed, i was leaving, not knowing where i was going, but i was leaving. So i get in my car, turn the key, and nothing. Click, click, click. My car wouldn't start. My battery was dead. By the time i was able to get it working, i had given up all hope of going anywhere. I'd given up hope on everything. And yet somehow, 9 years later, i look back and i realize God never gave up on me. Later that year, still in a haze of numbness, I met my future wife. It was exactly a year after things went to hell for me that they started to turn back around. I had hit rock bottom, and God was pulling me back up without my ever knowing it. Now here i stand, a beautiful wife, 2 amazingly incredible miraculous young boys, and a relationship with the Lord that is stronger than ever.

Now i don't want people to read this and feel sorry for me. I know that i don't feel sorry for myself. At least not anymore. God has worked on my heart and shown me things and helped me to forgive the people that have hurt me. And now, with this, i believe it is time for me to let this go. I give it up to the Lord. It is no longer my pain, no longer my burden to carry. I give it all to God.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

In God's loving peace,

Jaime Whosoever